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~ Amends, A Gift for Mother ~
If I reach out to you, fearfully, tentatively,
Please don't lose patience with me...
Please don't turn away.
I realize now that I have hurt you as much as I have hurt myself.
This is so very difficult for both of us...
Believe me, I know.
I've spent years in my quest for self-destruction...
My slow-motion suicide...
I did not intend to drag you with me into that awesome pit...
Please understand that I'm learning now to reach for the light instead...
To climb out of that hell of my own creation
And keep my feet on brighter paths.
This road is hard, though, and I need your love and support...
Now more than ever before.
After all we have been through, all we have done to each other,
I understand if you cannot help me... and I accept.
I only ask that if you cannot trust or help or understand
What I have begun to do, then please try to accept...
I know, I've promised you so much so very many times in the past...
How could you believe that things are different now?
They are, I promise they are.
If I reach out to you, please understand that I know it is
As difficult for you as it is for me...
I fear myself sometimes still...
And I fear you... I fear us together most of all.
Please, be gentle with me, try to understand what I am undertaking.
If you cannot understand me, I will accept that.
I need your help just now... though I am still learning how to ask...
I care for you... and I must ask one final favor...
If you cannot help me,, I accept and understand...
But please do not hurt me or try to push me back ino that hell
From which I have emerged.
Julia S. |
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